Today we are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary, as well as the 1 year anniversary of the day Charlotte was born. Celebrate almost seems like the wrong word when thinking about Charlotte, but after looking it up in the dictionary I think it's just right. The definition of celebrate is "to observe a day or commemorate an event with ceremonies or festivities", or "to make known publicly; proclaim." It comes from the Latin word celebrare, which means "to solemnize, celebrate, honor," but also "to frequent, to fill together." Times of celebration remind us that we are part of a community, we are not going through this life alone.

An article I read online today said that celebration "fulfills a human need in two ways. First, we all have the need to escape the pressures of everyday life and the responsibilities which absorb so much of our time. We need to distance ourselves from this pressure in order to grasp the depth and fullness of daily life. Second, celebration allows us to enter into a more profound communion with the social groups that define us. Our relationships define each one of us as a social entity and help to integrate us more fully into the body to which we belong."

As I get older I find myself caring less about my birthday, Mother's Day, and all those other holidays that put the focus on me. I tell myself that although a break from responsibility and recognition of the day are appreciated, I don't need anything. What I forget, though, is that God created us to need each other. He made all believers a family, brothers and sisters, and His son prayed many times that we would be one as the trinity is one.

The same article referenced this passage in the Bible:
Now the company of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things which he had possessed was his own, but they had everything in common ... There was not a needy person among them, for as many were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the proceeds of what was sold and laid it at the apostles' feet, and distribution was made to each as any had need (Acts 4:32, 34-35).

I'm not necessarily suggesting that I'd like to go back to communal living, but there was a lot of good in that way of life. We try to do entirely too much on our own, and we're all frazzled as a result. This has lended itself to us having a much harder time understanding the concept of dependence on God. We can do for ourselves what needs to be done, we're told to take control of our own lives, set boundaries, get as much out of this life as we can. All of that is well and good, but it too often sacrifices community in favor of "personal growth."

The author also wrote that "those who champion individualism think of freedom as the absence of interference from outside forces. In contrast, ...think of freedom as the ability to make our lives a gift through which we deepen our relationship with the community. A person is a being-in-relationship, and to exist is to be in a relationship. To deny relationality is to hover on the brink of non-being. But the more we belong to one another--the more we are able to make ourselves a gift--the more fully we exist."

What does all of this have to do with Charlotte? When she died one year ago, I had a choice. I could have shut down, kept it inside, let it alienate me and weaken my faith. Or, I could see it through God's eyes, and ask "to what end." Andy and I decided from the first moment we saw Charlotte's little body on the ultrasound screen with no heart beating that this had to be something that drew us closer together and closer to God, or what was the point in the suffering? I had to allow myself to need my friends and family, even though it was really hard at times. I saw all of those people coming together to surround us in prayer, fill our refrigerator, care for Noelle, and help me grieve, and it reminded me that I was not alone.

I have always believed that it is best to share my struggles openly instead of keeping them locked away, and many times people have thanked me for my candor. They often open up themselves afterward, and a depth is added to our friendship that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. When I read the part of the definition of celebration that said, "to make known publicly; proclaim," my first thought was of my committment to claim Charlotte as my child to everyone I meet. I don't often let an opportunity pass me by to say that I have another daughter. Noelle knows her sister's name, and knows that she is in heaven. Every time I share her story, I am celebrating her existence, her role in my life. I am thankful to her for teaching me about reliance on God and others, and for giving me an opportunity to build deeper relationships with those in my community. Happy Birthday, Charlotte Mae Matthews. Your mommy loves you and will be with you again someday.

No no...not our fifth baby. Maybe that should have read "Happy Fifth, Baby", as in Happy 5th Anniversary? That's right...Jaime and I are coming up on the 5th anniversary of our wedding day back in May of 2003. Hard to believe that it's been that long, yet it also seems like longer.

So we're currently sitting, well laying, on a bed in Louisville, Kentucky chilling. Watching a little TV, doing a little net surfing, and waiting for it to cool down before heading out to do some shopping, and some mini-golf, and then some dinner.

Tomorrow, we're driving up to Illinois to attend the wedding of one of the girls who was in OUR wedding. Then we head back to Nashville on Monday.

Lucky for us, my parents are watching Noelle for us while we take this short weekend to spend some time together. So, here's to you Jaime...5 years, then another 5, then ten, and then 20 more. If we're both still alive then, we can renegotiate.

Mwa.

Lizards creep me out. I see them when we visit Florida, and there were tons when I was in Puerto Rico. Crawling all over the walls, and the locals acted like they didn't even notice. Some people try to liken them to squirrels, but squirrels will run away if you go anywhere near them. A squirrel would never come up on the porch while I was sitting there, like a lizard did yesterday. At my house! In Nashville!

I had no idea until this week that Nashville was home to any variety of lizard. Someone wrote on our local listserv that they had seen some and wondered what they were. The discussion went on about how they eat bugs and to leave them alone, and one guy said they have only gotten into his house a few times and the dogs usually take care of it. WHAT! Lizards are supposed to be behind glass, like at the zoo, or in the desert maybe. I can handle seeing them in Florida, mainly because I don't live there. But this has been the week of the lizard around here. We saw one at the zoo the other day sitting on one of the paths, but I reasoned he was there because it's a very wooded area, lots of bugs. But one on my porch? That completely broke me down.

They are technically called skinks, I guess. You can see a picture of what the one on my porch looked like here. For an even more disgusting picture, click here. Hopefully our pest control people are doing a good enough job that the nasty things won't find too many bugs and will move on. If I see many more, I won't be able to get to Illinois soon enough!

...healthy baby! We won't know the gender until October, but we had our ultrasound today and everything looks great. We had some anxiety going in, for sure, but I had prayed that I would feel the baby moving this morning prior to the appointment and I absolutely did. This is definitely a big weight lifted off our shoulders. The second our ultrasound tech turned on the machine, we could see the baby's strong heartbeat and lots of movement.

The only possible snag (and it's a VERY minor one) is that I might have a low-lying placenta. This often corrects itself as the pregnancy progresses, but if it doesn't it requires delivery via c-section. The radiologist will have to look at the ultrasound to know for sure whether I have this, and if they say I do it will just mean they'll do another ultrasound early in the third trimester to monitor it.

Check out the pictures of our baby and one I took of myself this morning right here!

Thank you all for your continued prayers,

Andy and Jaime

Happy May Day, everyone! I don't know why that ancient holiday has stuck with me since I learned about it in grade school, but every May 1 I remember it. If you aren't familiar, it used to be tradition that people would put together little baskets of flowers and goodies and hang them on the doors of their friends and neighbors. A very cute idea, I think, but I fully understand why it's not so popular anymore. Our friends are scattered across the country, and we rarely know our neighbors. I am always amused on Halloween that we all willingly go to our neighbors and ask them for candy when on October 30 we might not even wave to them as they get into their car.

The idea of May Day reminds me of something Andy and I did a few years ago for the first day of fall. Andy was in a bad mood because it was his birthday and we had gone to a movie, and while we were inside his car got broken into and all his CD's were stolen. Again. I was looking for a way to cheer him up, and remembered that the next day was the first day of fall. I hauled Andy with me to the grocery store to buy a bunch of little pumpkins and gourds, and we came home and made little cards that said "Happy First Day of Fall" or something like that. We then went out (around 11 PM) and put these little packages on the porches of all our friends for them to find in the morning. We had a great time making them, and it was fun for our friends, too.

I wish that traditions like May Day were still alive. There have been times when I wanted to do something for a neighbor but stopped myself because "people just don't do that kind of thing." I've seen those little storks in someone's yard announcing that they just had a baby and thought about sneaking a package of diapers or a basket of fruit onto their porch. Maybe next time I will force myself to follow through, in honor of May Day.