Wow, three new posts in one day! Tonight as I was driving to Walgreens to pick up a prescription, after having an argument with Andy over where to put things in the new cabinets, I realized that both of my other posts were pretty negative. And both experiences I wrote about were not great ones, to be sure, but I began to wonder why they got to me so much. Then I recalled why I was going to Walgreens. I've been out of my antidepressant for about 5 days and was finally getting it refilled.
When I used to take Effexor, if I forgot to take it one night I was feeling it by morning. I would get shaky, sickly, and feel this weird movement in my head that I always described as neurons popping. When I came off Effexor before we got pregnant, I about died. I didn't want to kill myself or anything that extreme, but I did consider crashing the car on purpose and I know I treated Andy really badly. But with Wellbutrin, it's not been nearly that dramatic. I can forget to take the pills every now and then and feel no physical effects, and no emotional effects for quite some time. Which can trick me into thinking maybe I don't need it anymore, but I've been there and know it's not true.
When I first started taking antidepressants, I saw them as a sort of crutch. Because of the mental state I was in, I literally could not work through any feelings I was experiencing or choose to feel some other way. Just like you literally cannot walk without a crutch if you injure yourself. That crutch helps you get around and figure things out while you are healing. Many people can then give up the crutch and go on with their lives. Some people, like me, find that it isn't something that "heals", but that it truly is a physical need for medication, and then are on the medication for life. I've come off and gone back on the pills enough times to know that for me, it's a physical need that manifests itself in emotional ways.
Also on my way to Walgreens, I remembered that this week I've been really busy with work and of course the kitchen and trip to Atlanta, and so I wasn't able to do my Bible Study before my group met on Tuesday morning. Spending that time in the Word and researching the names of God (which is what we're currently studying) brings a lot more to my week than I give it credit for. I also had to miss our church Community Group meeting on Wednesday night since we were out of town. That group provides not only another place to talk and learn about God, but also a break from my role as mommy and wife, and just a chance to be a girl.
So this week it's back to Wellbutrin, back to Bible Study, back to Community Group and friends, and I know that the Lord will be faithful to pull me out of the cloudy place I'm in right now. He always has.